blog post, Blog Posts, Choose you this day, Convicting, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem

Paper Pants

It’s OK to have black pants with a red tie,
It’s OK to crawl and scream out, ADONAI!

It’s OK to be held and yell out God’s Name.
It’s OK because He’s felt the same.

He’s been betrayed, bruised and cast aside.
At His lowest He was thrice denied.

He was counted among the poor, lost and broken.
As He hung on the Cross, His Life our Token.

To the one criminal who cursed God and died,
And the other who was with Him in Paradise.

Ages have passed and nothing’s changed,
Some still choose to curse His Name.

But sister nightbirde whispered in my ear,
“God’s on the bathroom floor, and to the broken draws near.”

In memory of nightbirde and inspired by my recent 72 hour hospital stay.

Standard
Uncategorized

I Will Use My Voice

My bodies autonomy isn’t your commodity.

Get your hands off my kids, data gained mind biz.

‘Yuck-in’ shoehorned your way in,

My ‘Vote’ didn’t count, your ‘promises’ you flout.

Disregarding the discord your ‘Marshall Plan’ will cause.

VCHEW’ing out the righteous, all to Carlyle’s gaping maw.

Fool’s gold you’ve sold for souls,

Gutters blood of innocence untold.

Fuhrer’s emblem around your neck,

or is that fury’s ‘placebo effect?’

‘Devils that are’ don’t speak for me!

You and your kind, the ‘powers that be.’

Lioness of Judea within me ROARS,

Tiptoe tulips, your own traps fall sore.

Like it or not, My Redeemer LIVES

Unto Him Alone, my praise I give!

Every knee WILL bow and tongue confess,

From Atheist to Muslim with all the rest.

Governors and Rulers will crawl to God’s Throne.

Each tribute offered unto Him Alone.

Standard
autism, blog post, Blog Posts, female with autism, personal art, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem, Prose, Unapologetic

Thanks Anyway, Circler Reasoning

Muzzled tight upon my face, replaced with known “common grace.”

Tossing aside your empty beer, not as “compassionate” as you appear.

Used excuses “got through to you.”

Thanks anyway, I’ll be in a zombie zoom room.

See something, say something? “Facts checked” or is it fat checks?

Do you even know the difference between, “civil city riots”, “mostly peaceful”?

King’s echoed “content of character”, shat upon.

Self-masturbatory, “masters degree”, in the art of flies;

Flung in faces of rotting dry eyes.

Setting sun over a broken mirror.

Distributing disabled water, Molotov lit hate;

A reflection of abomination fate.

Standard
art, blog post, Blog Posts, cutting, personal art, x23

My Artwork Over The Last Four Years

https://www.dropbox.com/s/o6clm9fb76itk … 2.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/1w05jdkq6e4us … 2.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/yeuiyiwildu3u … 2.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/dzc4hn7geyehg … 2.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/1i876y66albp7 … 2.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/jx4p1ub1yd46t … 3.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/m7cm7lm11ap1f … 2.jpg?dl=0

https://www.dropbox.com/s/p2lebv4w0a11bp6/Yellow 

Exemplifies where my headspace/mental state has been (or lost) over the last four hellish years…

Standard
blog post, Blog Posts, CV19 PTSD, Personal Post

CV19 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I’ve been reluctant to even post this, most have had issues with CV19 and the insane unnecessary ‘lock downs’ that did more to general mental health of many people than twenty 9/11’s ever could. The year 2020 that I couldn’t attend church was awful, I never miss services because that is where a lot of my mental, emotional and spiritual support has come from…

Online services were OK for 3 months but after this during the summer of 2020 I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for the month of July 2020…

After this event my attendance was very sporadic, wearing unneeded masks and not being allowed to sing broke me…and I’ve come to realize this was and is part of the plan, to break the spirit of people…Tell me, how much sense did it make Lowes was open no masks but church’s were muzzled up? Or or oh you are not allowed to sing because of droplets what the heck? 

Does anyone notice how Christians, conservatives, 2A Folk, constitutionalists, and anti-jab folk are being blamed for everything that is wrong? It’s happened many times in history, blame society’s ills on a scape goat group of people…Happened in Ancient Rome, Communist Russia, Nazi Germany, Communist Cuba, Communist Venezuela and now The United Socialist States of America…

Most of 2021 I missed church even after the masks came off and services resumed, PTSD folks…I did go when I felt up to it, but I cannot count the number of Sundays that I ran out midway through the service sobbing and having a panic attack…Countless incenses of being in the church parking lot and cutting myself after my Xanax prescription was stopped…

2021 was hell, and when I try to talk to people to the church I’ve been attending for 10 years, very few respond, most don’t know what to say or do…I used to greet at the front doors before services, I used to sing my heart out, I used to never miss a single service…Now I’m a different person, more of a lifeless empty shell of myself…I still read my Bible daily, but many times the pages become tear stained and the words smudge but it reflects my heart…

God says he keeps my tears in a bottle, He says He’s close to the brokenhearted, to the crushed in sprit…And He truly is, Jesus is the reason I am still alive today, I’ve tried to take my life 3 times in the last two years, yet I’m not dead, but declaring God’s works in the land of the living…It’s been a shadow of death and bitter sweet, I am not afraid of much any more, I tire of the rhetoric, I tire of the lies and I echo what is said at the end of the Bible, ‘Come Lord Jesus, Come.’

Standard
blog post, Blog Posts, Poem, Prose

His Ways

You God, are The Way,

Not a way, nor any truth, not any life.

You God are life in abundance.

Your thoughts are not mine,

Yet, You know the thoughts you have towards me.

Giving me a hope and a future in You Alone.

For You Alone God, Are The Way Maker,

You Alone Jesus, are Divine.

Your Love is sweeter than wine!

There is no High, like the Most High God.

You a Humble, Gentle but Just and Loving God.

Your Ways are Pure, in You Alone I am secure!

Standard
bible, blog post, Blog Posts, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts

How Long Oh Lord

There isn’t going back to normal. We are not in the middle of anything remotely normal. Our choices are drying up, from drought in the west to the crops that fail in the bread basket of America. Do people apply their hearts to knowledge? Do they seek the ways of the Lord? Who is the accuser of the brethren?

Satan.

Look at anything through the eyes of God, behold He is the Lord my God nothing is too hard for Him, He is the Lord Who dose not change, He knows the end from the beginning. No evil will befall me nether shall any plague come near my dwelling. I make the Most High my Dwelling Place.

My Depression has been just giving me hell, and yet, and yet. God, and yet God. Lord you know the longings of my heart and nothing is too hard for You.

I take the shield of faith and I quench every fiery dart that the wicked one brings against me. Ephesians 6:16

Standard
blog post, Blog Posts, honest, I need sleep, Memoir, memory lane, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem, Prose, Reality Check, sucks, Tired, Unapologetic

I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.

How? 

You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

Standard
Uncategorized

Giving Thanks 🙏🏻

‘tis the season to take care of what you have and be thankful for what you do have.

I have a roof over my head and I have clothes on my back. I have a working vehicle that I own and I’m working on paying it off. I have a phone that “halfway”works, but that’s OK because it still works and I’m not upgrading to the latest and greatest.

Unfortunately, I’ve found few are interested in helping say less hiring anyone that is autistic.

I’ve tried for 5 years had many honest “Burger flipping jobs” “cleaning toilets” etc. Now however, I’m “required” to get the clot shot if I want to be employed in anything.

I’ve tried religious exemption that hasn’t been honored. But, it’s OK I’m trying to keep my head up. 😇 🙏🏻

I think the scars that are on my arms from past and current self-injury (cutting dealing with stress and autism) scare people. This saddens me. I’m a kind, hard working, 38 year old woman struggling yes, but still trying to “make it happen.”

Love 💗 my neighbors, I just wish the same kindness was extended to one another and least of all me.

Standard