Blog Posts, Christian Living, honest, It Is Well, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts

But God.

I usually don’t post of difficult things, but of late things have been hard.  Switching up anti depressants to a weight neutral one so that my weight loss efforts don’t continue to be for nothing.

I workout about 4 times a week, but struggle with night eating (working on it with God’s help it’s getting better.)

I have been losing weight finally, but a bit of my mind in the process. Hopefully the transition will be smoother as time goes on.

I will be 32 years of age this 22nd of September 2015. I have asked my mom for a weight watchers membership for my birthday. I want a lifestyle change aside from weight loss and getting to a weight that God has created me to be at.

I am sure God has been fighting alongside and in many cases fighting off my own ‘judge, jury and executioner’ in my head…I think many a time the enemy is given too much credit, my own head (my flesh) can do a good enough job accusing me thanks much…

The thing I’m coming to know is, we all struggle and yea I know it mentally but knowing it and being OK with the struggle if that makes sense…for it’s been through this struggle and through others (used to self injure, no longer do two years healed by God’s grace) is that some choose to stay in the hurt, in the pain, thinking it their own…

What other’s fail to grasp is that all the struggles, pain, aches, hurts…and I mean ugly hurts of life…all of them, God took on through Jesus…Through the pain He endured He became sin, all of them…murder, sexual sins, rape, slanderous words to others, one’s self, God above He became Sin he became hurtful words actions and deeds that rip and tear people apart…

He became those words that drive people to harm themselves, to harm others, I know because I held onto hurt myself, at the price of hurting others through insisting on stubbornly staying in pain come hell or high water…

I put my family through hell for more then ten years, borderline anorexia, upper abuse, and cutting myself open to this day the scars are raised and visible…

I was socially hazed before ‘anti bully’ became chic…and beyond that couldn’t think of the implied to love others you must first love yourself enough to stop self abuse…

I wasn’t for a long while thinking straight, and the scars now just point to a loving Father who saved me from myself…and it was a hell of a struggle two years ago that I went through.

God always by my side, often times more then I can remember, banging my fists into His Chest as pistons until all my emotional energy was spent and having the Father wipe away my tears, hug, love on me and heal me…

Having gone through that struggle I know that Jesus will help me with this ‘issue’ which is less in comparison (I think it is) but I want to wholly reflect God, and be content in who He has made me to be, size wise, spirit wise, etc…

I must have a fighters spirit or something because through these experiences (all before 33 no less) time has become enriched and feels as though it is being well lived (even through my own mistakes though my head says otherwise.)

I have no idea how many God has touched through my story, I know there are some and I’m socially not even aware because it’s how God has created me. To be a social bull in a china shop, no ice breakers needed just add me to the mix…

In the right direction and under God’s loving hands it breaks down walls with the horns this bull has, and for some reason people feel ‘free’ to be ‘themselves around me.’

When the horns were aimed at myself it was destructive, but is it not funny I now blow a shofar ram’s horn of God’s praise and sing to Him (He gifted me with a voice.)

And walls are coming down through the fighter God has uniquely made me to be…

Will you allow Him to wright His story into your life? Will you place down the hurt? He won’t force, He is a loving Father despite what others say..

I know myself for I walked and still walk the struggles and victories out with Him…

Daily I choose to place the hurt down, is it hard hell yes…is it worth it? Heck yes! He is worth my life breath, all of me and who I am…

The choice is yours to make, but I’ve made mine…you can come along if you like, or stay stuck…

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