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Tumbling Down Thunder Road

Being a female with autism seemingly ‘having it all together’ but truthfully a lifetime of social crisis mode.

I was interviewed for tropical smoothie in the summer of 2008. The interview was very informal, I recall arriving ten minutes beforehand and requesting to talk with the manager. Clawing through my skin I aced the interview.

After being hired, explaining my autism to the tune of ‘and how does this affect what you are doing?’ Working diligently efficiently and as accurately as possible. Coming to work I’d wipe down the back kitchen preparation areas and made sure everything needed was accessible.

Going the extra mile not understanding the concept of ‘workplace culture’ reasoning business was simply about coming in, executing required tasks, fulfilling orders, producing smoothies, etc.

Often asked to clean bathrooms, I’d stay after my shift to mop floors, wipe down tables, stack chairs and lock up all without complaint. A few coworkers had an issue with me (now realizing this in hindsight.) Repeatedly mentioning autism when a mistake was made only to be harshly criticized, feeling very small and unimportant. I shied away from speaking at all knowing something was ‘off.’

Nevertheless one coworker displayed kindness assisting me with smoothie recipes, how to best and most efficiently make sandwiches what to have on hand and how to become better at what I was doing.

As August came to a close I was told there would be an ‘intervention’ the following day. I was stunned and internally slack-jawed. The following morning I perceived something was awry.

The manager who hired me wasn’t present but the coworker who appreciated me was. Sitting across from her I wanted to crawl out of my skin and gag. She was put in an awkward position and looked very uncomfortable. I was told that I was being fired because I was ‘too slow’ in preparing food and smoothies. My stomach sank, I sat numbly and asked for further clarification to which I didn’t receive.

Gathering my last paycheck and asking to speak with the manager of whom wasn’t available. I never saw him again, he refused to speak with me and tell me why I was being terminated. No one had an answer for me, just a feeling of ‘don’t let the door slap you on the way out.’

Refusing to explain why I was terminated I ran out to my car with reflexive sobs splitting my chest in half. From that point forward I decided disclosing autism wasn’t in my best interests.

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Virginia

Despite what everyone hears in the news, Virginians are lovers of freedom and many are lovers of God. During this past black Friday, I was in line at Walmart just to get a few things, the line was taking forever that check out by the outdoor plants.

Conversations started between a few at different points in the line, eventually the conversation was with the last half of the line and the topic: the second amendment.

The conversation was lively but civil and many held different views. What’s surprising however, one thing that many Virginians agree on from many different walks of life, thugs, stay at home moms, working class, middle class, tattooed, strait lased, homosexual, heterosexual, red, yellow black and white. (Sounds like a song)

The thing all agreed on, do not mess with the second amendment. It’s the life blood of our country and once that freedom is gone the rest no longer apply.

Now as to how it’s expressed everyone had a differing view, but to totally get rid of it no one agreed with.

I say this despite the legislation and the governor want to sign off on: red flag laws (everyone said we shouldn’t have red flag laws) I write this to remind you that American’s are a diverse motley crew, but we all agree with the bill of rights hands down, bar none.

The leadership on both sides of the isle are being foolish not listen to the people they serve and instead are serving themselves. To do this they are in essence putting in their two weeks notice because they will be ousted by disgruntled voters.

The thing about shake up is that it gets others out of their stupor and people are now more actively engaged in what they believe in then I’ve ever seen. Most Americans, many, just want to live their life in peace but are beginning to see that they need to exercise their rights openly.

All it takes for evil to take over is for good people to do nothing. Control oil, control the country. Control food, control the people.

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Yeshua and Suicide

The passing of Jarrid Wilson three days ago stings like hell. What stings even more are the lies being told by those in authority with certainty. As many of you are aware, I have depression, autism, angisity and self harm. I’m not the same woman I was 9 years ago after I graduated from Mercy Multiplied in May of 2013.


I do know this much, the enemy’s biggest cons and lies start in the mind, depression/suicide/cutting etc. doesn’t care what background you come from how old you are. It’s hard as hell fighting daily with the Lord by my side, he has been helping me work through memories that I put in the basement of my mind and marked don’t ever open.


The problem with boxes that are never opened is they do open at some point of crisis usually. I’ve been in faith based counseling for the last three months and it has helped tremendously.


Having someone listen to me, having God be the third party in the sessions I am in makes a huge difference.


God has set me free it’s a painful pruning season, and sometimes I hurt so much from the shame of memories from college and the years that I was out of my head it’s hard to look at even with God by my side.


There are days that I wanted a curtain call let’s wrap this up hannah, but God. There is a huge attack on humanity regarding the spirit of violence and suicide. I would say sense 2014 on ward I’ve seen a dramatic increase in the amount of people passing away by their own hands.


This is why we walk by faith and not by sight, for the testing season I was crying out to God in my quiet time with him, closed heavens. He was there, but I didn’t sense him.
Only this past week has it dawned on me the memories I’ve been releasing to God, one at a time, slowly at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm me or do me in. I thank God for revealing that to me. Because now I can see the lies for what they are, lies. The enemy doesn’t fight fair, and it’s a fight like it or not.


We can’t be absentee on the battlefield when Yeshua has called us to make disciples of all men and women, going to the dirty places, the hurt places, and being the feet upon the mountains that bring the Good News of Jesus.


This is ugly, this hurts, it sucks the big one, and the enemy has tried to silence me. I’m not going to shut up about God or about how He has loved on me when I can’t love on myself. He’s pulled my hands back from and away from ending my own life more times then many know.


The good news of Jesus is, He knows, He cares and damn it I’m not going to bow to depression, or suicidal ideation! Just as passionately as I’d give my life for God, that and then some He’s passionate about me living out the pages yet to be filled in the book of my life written by me, read and reread by the Ancient of Days in His courtroom library. (I’m going to be in heavens record keeping law libraries for a long time when I graduate to heaven.)

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The Parable of the Puppy Part 1

Once there was a very loving girl who sold all she had to buy a puppy. Day one was exciting but by the evening Hannah was exhausted. Bella was a lovely puppy and afraid her first few days and nights in a new place that she was not familiar with.

Hannah patiently and positively kept encouraging Bella and kept cleaning up messes armed with more than 600 poopy bags Hannah was prepared to help Bella learn how to poop outside and not in her new home.

For you see when we are God’s Children spiritually He potty trains us, He picks up after our messes and mistakes many of which we wonder if we’ll ever make it from milk to meat, from pooping inside God’s House or by ‘casting all our poops upon Him because He cares for us.’

The Bible deals much with poop in fact when Israel sinned God often compared Israel’s unfaithfulness to poop, like a bad smell burning in His Nostrils. They never were housebroken out of stiffnecked pride. So God gave them over to a harsh and hateful kingdom. In the same way, these growing pains with Bella are only for a season.

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Bella my new puppy dog

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The Why behind the What

I will say I tried 3 times in my 20’s to cut myself to death; the last time I almost was gone, lost a lot of blood.

I’ve been Self Harm free for five years in counting thanks to Yeshua and Mercy Multiplied.

I went to do business with God, and it sucked but I still ‘showed up’ and daily we all have the ability to show up in life.

My depression emerged after my gastric sleeve and antidepressant malabsorption I’ve only recently 8 months out, had some sense of equilibrium.

At the core honestly, why I don’t off myself now, I do not want to answer from My Lord, ‘Hannah, I had so much for you, why darling?’

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You’re Asking

And during the wars, we decided dancing was the better escape then victory on some unknown field.

A world war prior trenches were made consumption overtook us, and we lost our step, our rhythm was off, a march of hile Hitlers instead of passionate one two three fours.

Snapped turned into a world war two fiaschi famengo dance.

Bodies line the streets, these that once passon sucked out of them.

Red lipstick is a females war paint. Beware her charms and her bite.

A painted face can call to righteous war, or can be a seductive blush, red herring.

Meant to draw others into war drum wake.

I dream in black and white, colors are plush and rare in the landscape of my mind.

I see a scarlet chid’s coat, I see painted white ‘keep out’ signs. ‘No Nazeratiens allowed’ ‘Irish need not apply’ ‘Keine Juden erlaubt’ 

For we are just strangers passing through this hell hole. Our home now is in heaven.

We are to Love what God Loves and hate what He hates.

God hates sin, God aphours the proud but gives grace to the humble.

God is oh so very loving God isn’t pigged sloppy grace that is peddled by many behind pulpits.

God is love, He’s also Just. God will return again with a rod of iron and the government shall indeed be upon His Shoulders.

Rulers will crawl to His throne, nations will fall under Him, they will be to give homage to the God of Abraham, Israel, and Jacob.

He is the Son of David, the LION of the tribe of Juda.

He Rores as a procession before His return.

He will make all things right, He will open the books and The Ancient of Days will take a seat on His judicial bench.

Those of us who are His children will have what we’ve done put through the mercy seat fire.

All mankind, women, men young and old slave and free alike have a Devine Court Date with The Almighty.

What will your answer be?

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Reconnect

Everyone has an opinion to type,

Even a fool can spot this blight.

When you don’t take time to shut your mouth,

Your words alone will wear you down.

More hearing less talking, face in a phone,

Get out meet humans feel less alone.

It’s sad, no life is had,

Nothing save digital pollution, pathetic solution.

We’re more connected, but further apart.

Let’s physically reconnect and restart.

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Be Still, Oh!

Soul of mine, churning gears that grind,

Fall in His Arms, you are not left behind!

How come, my soul, you fit and fret?

Oh, my soul don’t be quick to forget.

The pruning of God though painful yes,

Like nuggets of gold for other’s blest.

This fruit you bear isn’t for you,

It’s for others to eat and look to The Jew.

To the One who broke down that dividing wall.

Remember my soul He took that fall.

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May 2018 Update

I’m down 60 plus pounds now. 8 months out from surgery and feeling so much better. Hardest part has been adjusting to my antidepressants post op, getting the dosage correct and going through 3 months of depression because my medication was not absorbing fully; this was harder than the physical recovery of surgery. I don’t wish depression on anyone. It is a hell hole.

My internship at Computer Concepts comes to an end June 18 2018 I started here in October of 2017. I’ve taken the 901 and passed that exam after two tries I took the 902 a plus exam (An IT exam in two parts) Almost passed the 902 but missed a passing score by 20 points.

Currently looking for part time summer seasonal work, I also am volunteering Monday mornings at the food distribution center at Zion’s Sake. I do the grunt work of hauling in the heavy boxes for the ladies and help them sort the inventory before the patrons show up in the afternoons. I am still helping my grandmother as she needs it weekly.

I workout at the riverside wellness center again, but mix things up with workout DVD’s walks outside, or classes at the wellness center about 3-4 times a week.

I’m off of social media save for Instagram, Facebook I’m taking an extended break from (not sure how long) Might be another two year stretch.

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