blog post, Blog Posts, honest, I need sleep, Memoir, memory lane, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem, Prose, Reality Check, sucks, Tired, Unapologetic

I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.

How? 

You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

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blog post, Blog Posts, blow hard news, honest, memory lane, Mercy Ministries, Personal Thoughts

The Why behind the What

I will say I tried 3 times in my 20’s to cut myself to death; the last time I almost was gone, lost a lot of blood.

I’ve been Self Harm free for five years in counting thanks to Yeshua and Mercy Multiplied.

I went to do business with God, and it sucked but I still ‘showed up’ and daily we all have the ability to show up in life.

My depression emerged after my gastric sleeve and antidepressant malabsorption I’ve only recently 8 months out, had some sense of equilibrium.

At the core honestly, why I don’t off myself now, I do not want to answer from My Lord, ‘Hannah, I had so much for you, why darling?’

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Blog Posts, funny, memory lane, Personal Thoughts, very bad day book

Hannah joy and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day (funny)

I have been in the dumps of late, blah city well more like without purpose kind of eh feeling…

helped dad take out boxes from the attic 27 some-odd years worth of stuff and I came across an old book (or three) that now as an adult make me laugh, and as a child made me feel better…

There were the ‘Just go to bed’ not so subtle book(s) for my sister, and the one’s my mom bought for myself as a child, like Alexander and the terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day (actually I think I bought that one at the book fair in the 4th grade because that is at the time what I could relate to, and still do actually.)

Mom would buy books that were of the ‘Tomorrow is a brand new day’ type to lift my spirits and her own I would suppose when she read to me and later when I’d read the books to myself.

I scanned a few pages that make me laugh like the faces oh my gosh, they are so dang funny…I think I’ll move to Australia one is my favorite. (he-he)

And at the end, “Mom says that some days are ‘like that’…even in Australia.”

Helping dad, getting out of myself, and reading old books just made my ‘no-good day’ a pretty good one…

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