blog post, Blog Posts, Choose you this day, Convicting, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem

Paper Pants

It’s OK to have black pants with a red tie,
It’s OK to crawl and scream out, ADONAI!

It’s OK to be held and yell out God’s Name.
It’s OK because He’s felt the same.

He’s been betrayed, bruised and cast aside.
At His lowest He was thrice denied.

He was counted among the poor, lost and broken.
As He hung on the Cross, His Life our Token.

To the one criminal who cursed God and died,
And the other who was with Him in Paradise.

Ages have passed and nothing’s changed,
Some still choose to curse His Name.

But sister nightbirde whispered in my ear,
“God’s on the bathroom floor, and to the broken draws near.”

In memory of nightbirde and inspired by my recent 72 hour hospital stay.

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Thanks Anyway, Circler Reasoning

Muzzled tight upon my face, replaced with known “common grace.”

Tossing aside your empty beer, not as “compassionate” as you appear.

Used excuses “got through to you.”

Thanks anyway, I’ll be in a zombie zoom room.

See something, say something? “Facts checked” or is it fat checks?

Do you even know the difference between, “civil city riots”, “mostly peaceful”?

King’s echoed “content of character”, shat upon.

Self-masturbatory, “masters degree”, in the art of flies;

Flung in faces of rotting dry eyes.

Setting sun over a broken mirror.

Distributing disabled water, Molotov lit hate;

A reflection of abomination fate.

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How Long Oh Lord

There isn’t going back to normal. We are not in the middle of anything remotely normal. Our choices are drying up, from drought in the west to the crops that fail in the bread basket of America. Do people apply their hearts to knowledge? Do they seek the ways of the Lord? Who is the accuser of the brethren?

Satan.

Look at anything through the eyes of God, behold He is the Lord my God nothing is too hard for Him, He is the Lord Who dose not change, He knows the end from the beginning. No evil will befall me nether shall any plague come near my dwelling. I make the Most High my Dwelling Place.

My Depression has been just giving me hell, and yet, and yet. God, and yet God. Lord you know the longings of my heart and nothing is too hard for You.

I take the shield of faith and I quench every fiery dart that the wicked one brings against me. Ephesians 6:16

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I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.

How? 

You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

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Yeshua and Suicide

The passing of Jarrid Wilson three days ago stings like hell. What stings even more are the lies being told by those in authority with certainty. As many of you are aware, I have depression, autism, angisity and self harm. I’m not the same woman I was 9 years ago after I graduated from Mercy Multiplied in May of 2013.


I do know this much, the enemy’s biggest cons and lies start in the mind, depression/suicide/cutting etc. doesn’t care what background you come from how old you are. It’s hard as hell fighting daily with the Lord by my side, he has been helping me work through memories that I put in the basement of my mind and marked don’t ever open.


The problem with boxes that are never opened is they do open at some point of crisis usually. I’ve been in faith based counseling for the last three months and it has helped tremendously.


Having someone listen to me, having God be the third party in the sessions I am in makes a huge difference.


God has set me free it’s a painful pruning season, and sometimes I hurt so much from the shame of memories from college and the years that I was out of my head it’s hard to look at even with God by my side.


There are days that I wanted a curtain call let’s wrap this up hannah, but God. There is a huge attack on humanity regarding the spirit of violence and suicide. I would say sense 2014 on ward I’ve seen a dramatic increase in the amount of people passing away by their own hands.


This is why we walk by faith and not by sight, for the testing season I was crying out to God in my quiet time with him, closed heavens. He was there, but I didn’t sense him.
Only this past week has it dawned on me the memories I’ve been releasing to God, one at a time, slowly at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm me or do me in. I thank God for revealing that to me. Because now I can see the lies for what they are, lies. The enemy doesn’t fight fair, and it’s a fight like it or not.


We can’t be absentee on the battlefield when Yeshua has called us to make disciples of all men and women, going to the dirty places, the hurt places, and being the feet upon the mountains that bring the Good News of Jesus.


This is ugly, this hurts, it sucks the big one, and the enemy has tried to silence me. I’m not going to shut up about God or about how He has loved on me when I can’t love on myself. He’s pulled my hands back from and away from ending my own life more times then many know.


The good news of Jesus is, He knows, He cares and damn it I’m not going to bow to depression, or suicidal ideation! Just as passionately as I’d give my life for God, that and then some He’s passionate about me living out the pages yet to be filled in the book of my life written by me, read and reread by the Ancient of Days in His courtroom library. (I’m going to be in heavens record keeping law libraries for a long time when I graduate to heaven.)

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The Why behind the What

I will say I tried 3 times in my 20’s to cut myself to death; the last time I almost was gone, lost a lot of blood.

I’ve been Self Harm free for five years in counting thanks to Yeshua and Mercy Multiplied.

I went to do business with God, and it sucked but I still ‘showed up’ and daily we all have the ability to show up in life.

My depression emerged after my gastric sleeve and antidepressant malabsorption I’ve only recently 8 months out, had some sense of equilibrium.

At the core honestly, why I don’t off myself now, I do not want to answer from My Lord, ‘Hannah, I had so much for you, why darling?’

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Virtue and Vice

Virtue and vice many shaped sizes. Depression paces round about my head. The corridors that light spaces and caverns tell of once occupied rooms. I am not a haunted house I am one that struggles with former tenants screaming lies until I cannot hear myself think.

My home is occupied by the Holy Spirit and I am a slave girl of Almighty God. He is indeed the Lover of my soul. I must be doing something right for the advancement of the Kingdom of ADONAI. I am praying for the salvation of George Soros. And bless him and the works of his hands.

The powers of darkness quiet clearly hate this, and as such have launched an offensive to my own offensive.

Yeshua said, blessed are you when you pray for those who persecute you, who revile you and who hate you. In a way, Soros does hate the God I serve, but God so loves all of us that any who give their lives unto Him will be saved.

There are degrees of where we will be in heaven. Yeshua said Blessed are those who teach the truth and show others to do likewise for they shall be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. But those who teach error, and show others how to error will be least in the Kingdom of Heaven.

We were not made for hell, but we go on as energy forever so our choice to be with God or not remains in our hands while we draw breath.

The world travails around me and it would be easy to go with that tossed tied.

But even in the darkest corners of my mind as I give those areas to God, He is the Rock Higher than I and to Him night is as the day.

I might struggle and strain, but through this pit of despair, I have my hope in God alone.

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I Taste

Palms that sing to touch, kisses sting too much.
Fire on my lips, holy ghost spit, holy hunger split.
Eyelids heavy yet can’t sleep.
Hunger hurt can’t keep.
1/3 cup of sugar makes a blue face.
1/2 teaspoon of high half-baked.
Tears taste like salt,
Mine a scarlet fault.
Haunting “XO” kiss hug,
Recall warm womb of blood.
I can still trace the scars that killed me,
Can still be tempted by the shrill need.

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Ascribe

The mist ascends the flame of God tests and tries me. The heart is pried open again a physical ache wounds bittersweet.
I’ve been pressed and overcome by You God.

You are so jealous your very Name is something that evokes my inner being. You see the being in me. You are the One who Loves me who ‘gets’ me, who is always there for me.

God my expression can’t be contained. I asked for Your fire to char my bones, Your very flame opens my eyes. As a hatchling opens eyes, the womb of the morning pierces with Your kind gaze.

Saw open the heavens and come down Holy Spirit. Shred my pride, God, break my will, God.

God join You to me, I join myself to you. I am joined at Your hips.

I take your Name.

You break the bow, bend the spear and tell wars to stop the proud drop at your very voice. Your glory will overcome all creatures.

God of Jacob with Your heavy weighty Love so crush me, so melt my heart. So spar with me and win.

-My Jewish Love, God of Israel-

You move my heart, I see the nations rage and yet You the Lord Who sits above the helix of the earth, You God Who made all creation, You God Who echoes peace be still, be not afraid.

Your Voice echoes in the chambers of my soul. I consider the works of your hands, I consider Your awe inspiring effervescent blinding light.

Be still oh my soul, quiet my heart like a weaned child from his mother. Be still, hedge me into your thorny garden. Your locked resting place.

Though the ground gives way, though mountains recycle into the seas Your Foam ascends and upon my heart have you set Your Seal,

Have You so burned my mouth with the coals of purity?

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God’s Tent

He who rolls out the heavens like a tent to dwell under. He who measured stars, galaxies, mountains, valleys and human hearts in the span of His Hand.

My Love is the One Who hides atop the mountain of spices, and I chase Him near the crest of the earth. He has a smile of warmth about Him. His hands urged me to jump into His Lap as a child their Father.

My Love ravishes me with kisses as I sing praise to Him. The One on High takes a lowly handmaiden and makes love to her in the night watches.

The owl sings praises to her God for the meal He’s provided her. I listen outside my window and hear the mates call to one another.

This is how I call to my Mate, My God, My Lover. I call to Him and His sweet reply is earth shattering.

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