blog post, Blog Posts, honest, I need sleep, Memoir, memory lane, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem, Prose, Reality Check, sucks, Tired, Unapologetic

I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.

How? 

You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

Standard
blog post, Blog Posts, sucks, Tired

I’m so tired most of the time

Recent events of my grandmother succumbing to age-related illness and her just plain running herself into the ground has left me reeling. Were it not for my faith, kickboxing and talk therapy I’d go stark mad.

She has been the second mom of sorts in my life, walked through much that I struggled through in my teen years into my adulthood.

I love her, it’s hard to see your grandmother struggle to get out of a bathtub for 18 minutes while you try to hoist her up as she slides around.

I’ve helped bathe people before, that’s not the issue, it’s the instance on her part to see myself or those that honestly do want to help her as ‘out to get’ her if that makes sense.

She’s of the WW2 generation, stubborn as a mule and has cared for others her entire adult life.

She had a health breakdown over Easter weekend and was admitted to the ICU.

On that same weekend, her washer flooded her entire downstairs to her complex unit. This was the 2nd time it’s flooded the downstairs since Oct. of 2016. Needless to say mold in the carpet, walls and wood have been wreaking havoc on her breathing and no amount of air filters will help that because it’s in the padding of the carpet.

She has nick knacks from 25 years of living in her complex and never really ‘cleans out’ anything just moves junk around, forgets about it, and pays for storage units that house more of her junk.

I love her, she was with me when I was born, she was with me when I attempted to kill myself in 2005 when I had my bouts with borderline anorexia as a teenager and the 10 years that I abused my body via cutting.

I’m now 4 years healed thank God, and it’s a patience related thing. But, it’s so damn hard. Now instead of tears, it’s ugly sobbing for longer than needed. I suppose I do need the good cry of 3 hours.

I shan’t post this on Facebook as it’d upset her. Rant over.

Standard
Blog Posts, Quote, Quran, Reality Check, sucks, war

The Quran is for violence

OK, well I sat through and have read about half of the 1000 some odd page book…and I can say that this is the dryest read ever...fell asleep to many times to count…

But, the section that got my attention: Al-Anfal aka. spoils of war, booty

008.012

PICKTHAL: When thy Lord inspired the angels, (saying): I am with you. So make those who believe
stand firm. I will throw fear into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Then smite the necks and smite of
them each finger.

So, if you don’t believe in Islam, your head is lopped off, your fingers are gone as well…oh wait you’re dead…

008.041

PICKTHAL: And know that whatever ye take as spoils of war, lo! a fifth thereof is for Allah, and for
the messenger and for the kinsman (who hath need) and orphans and the needy and the wayfarer, if ye
believe in Allah and that which We revealed unto Our slave on the Day of Discrimination, the day
when the two armies met. And Allah is Able to do all things.

How kind of Allah to order 1/5th of ‘spoils’ to be given to orphans and the needy…

By this point I’m going ‘wut’ because it made absolutely no sense at all…and none of those who are of the muslim faith follow the above batshit nutty verse ‘conveniently’ forgetting…

008.067

PICKTHAL: It is not for any prophet to have captives until he hath made slaughter in the land. Ye
desire the lure of this world and Allah desireth (for you) the Hereafter, and Allah is Mighty, Wise.

Right…so no captives until you freaking kill off an entire village etc…by this point I’m going ‘no wonder the crazy’ it’s dictated in the ‘holy book’

Just some food for thought…or not… :-/

Standard