The passing of Jarrid Wilson three days ago stings like hell. What stings even more are the lies being told by those in authority with certainty. As many of you are aware, I have depression, autism, angisity and self harm. I’m not the same woman I was 9 years ago after I graduated from Mercy Multiplied in May of 2013.
I do know this much, the enemy’s biggest cons and lies start in the mind, depression/suicide/cutting etc. doesn’t care what background you come from how old you are. It’s hard as hell fighting daily with the Lord by my side, he has been helping me work through memories that I put in the basement of my mind and marked don’t ever open.
The problem with boxes that are never opened is they do open at some point of crisis usually. I’ve been in faith based counseling for the last three months and it has helped tremendously.
Having someone listen to me, having God be the third party in the sessions I am in makes a huge difference.
God has set me free it’s a painful pruning season, and sometimes I hurt so much from the shame of memories from college and the years that I was out of my head it’s hard to look at even with God by my side.
There are days that I wanted a curtain call let’s wrap this up hannah, but God. There is a huge attack on humanity regarding the spirit of violence and suicide. I would say sense 2014 on ward I’ve seen a dramatic increase in the amount of people passing away by their own hands.
This is why we walk by faith and not by sight, for the testing season I was crying out to God in my quiet time with him, closed heavens. He was there, but I didn’t sense him.
Only this past week has it dawned on me the memories I’ve been releasing to God, one at a time, slowly at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm me or do me in. I thank God for revealing that to me. Because now I can see the lies for what they are, lies. The enemy doesn’t fight fair, and it’s a fight like it or not.
We can’t be absentee on the battlefield when Yeshua has called us to make disciples of all men and women, going to the dirty places, the hurt places, and being the feet upon the mountains that bring the Good News of Jesus.
This is ugly, this hurts, it sucks the big one, and the enemy has tried to silence me. I’m not going to shut up about God or about how He has loved on me when I can’t love on myself. He’s pulled my hands back from and away from ending my own life more times then many know.
The good news of Jesus is, He knows, He cares and damn it I’m not going to bow to depression, or suicidal ideation! Just as passionately as I’d give my life for God, that and then some He’s passionate about me living out the pages yet to be filled in the book of my life written by me, read and reread by the Ancient of Days in His courtroom library. (I’m going to be in heavens record keeping law libraries for a long time when I graduate to heaven.)