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Paper Pants

It’s OK to have black pants with a red tie,
It’s OK to crawl and scream out, ADONAI!

It’s OK to be held and yell out God’s Name.
It’s OK because He’s felt the same.

He’s been betrayed, bruised and cast aside.
At His lowest He was thrice denied.

He was counted among the poor, lost and broken.
As He hung on the Cross, His Life our Token.

To the one criminal who cursed God and died,
And the other who was with Him in Paradise.

Ages have passed and nothing’s changed,
Some still choose to curse His Name.

But sister nightbirde whispered in my ear,
“God’s on the bathroom floor, and to the broken draws near.”

In memory of nightbirde and inspired by my recent 72 hour hospital stay.

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Thanks Anyway, Circler Reasoning

Muzzled tight upon my face, replaced with known “common grace.”

Tossing aside your empty beer, not as “compassionate” as you appear.

Used excuses “got through to you.”

Thanks anyway, I’ll be in a zombie zoom room.

See something, say something? “Facts checked” or is it fat checks?

Do you even know the difference between, “civil city riots”, “mostly peaceful”?

King’s echoed “content of character”, shat upon.

Self-masturbatory, “masters degree”, in the art of flies;

Flung in faces of rotting dry eyes.

Setting sun over a broken mirror.

Distributing disabled water, Molotov lit hate;

A reflection of abomination fate.

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CV19 Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

I’ve been reluctant to even post this, most have had issues with CV19 and the insane unnecessary ‘lock downs’ that did more to general mental health of many people than twenty 9/11’s ever could. The year 2020 that I couldn’t attend church was awful, I never miss services because that is where a lot of my mental, emotional and spiritual support has come from…

Online services were OK for 3 months but after this during the summer of 2020 I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital for the month of July 2020…

After this event my attendance was very sporadic, wearing unneeded masks and not being allowed to sing broke me…and I’ve come to realize this was and is part of the plan, to break the spirit of people…Tell me, how much sense did it make Lowes was open no masks but church’s were muzzled up? Or or oh you are not allowed to sing because of droplets what the heck? 

Does anyone notice how Christians, conservatives, 2A Folk, constitutionalists, and anti-jab folk are being blamed for everything that is wrong? It’s happened many times in history, blame society’s ills on a scape goat group of people…Happened in Ancient Rome, Communist Russia, Nazi Germany, Communist Cuba, Communist Venezuela and now The United Socialist States of America…

Most of 2021 I missed church even after the masks came off and services resumed, PTSD folks…I did go when I felt up to it, but I cannot count the number of Sundays that I ran out midway through the service sobbing and having a panic attack…Countless incenses of being in the church parking lot and cutting myself after my Xanax prescription was stopped…

2021 was hell, and when I try to talk to people to the church I’ve been attending for 10 years, very few respond, most don’t know what to say or do…I used to greet at the front doors before services, I used to sing my heart out, I used to never miss a single service…Now I’m a different person, more of a lifeless empty shell of myself…I still read my Bible daily, but many times the pages become tear stained and the words smudge but it reflects my heart…

God says he keeps my tears in a bottle, He says He’s close to the brokenhearted, to the crushed in sprit…And He truly is, Jesus is the reason I am still alive today, I’ve tried to take my life 3 times in the last two years, yet I’m not dead, but declaring God’s works in the land of the living…It’s been a shadow of death and bitter sweet, I am not afraid of much any more, I tire of the rhetoric, I tire of the lies and I echo what is said at the end of the Bible, ‘Come Lord Jesus, Come.’

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How Long Oh Lord

There isn’t going back to normal. We are not in the middle of anything remotely normal. Our choices are drying up, from drought in the west to the crops that fail in the bread basket of America. Do people apply their hearts to knowledge? Do they seek the ways of the Lord? Who is the accuser of the brethren?

Satan.

Look at anything through the eyes of God, behold He is the Lord my God nothing is too hard for Him, He is the Lord Who dose not change, He knows the end from the beginning. No evil will befall me nether shall any plague come near my dwelling. I make the Most High my Dwelling Place.

My Depression has been just giving me hell, and yet, and yet. God, and yet God. Lord you know the longings of my heart and nothing is too hard for You.

I take the shield of faith and I quench every fiery dart that the wicked one brings against me. Ephesians 6:16

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I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.

How? 

You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

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Tumbling Down Thunder Road

Being a female with autism seemingly ‘having it all together’ but truthfully a lifetime of social crisis mode.

I was interviewed for tropical smoothie in the summer of 2008. The interview was very informal, I recall arriving ten minutes beforehand and requesting to talk with the manager. Clawing through my skin I aced the interview.

After being hired, explaining my autism to the tune of ‘and how does this affect what you are doing?’ Working diligently efficiently and as accurately as possible. Coming to work I’d wipe down the back kitchen preparation areas and made sure everything needed was accessible.

Going the extra mile not understanding the concept of ‘workplace culture’ reasoning business was simply about coming in, executing required tasks, fulfilling orders, producing smoothies, etc.

Often asked to clean bathrooms, I’d stay after my shift to mop floors, wipe down tables, stack chairs and lock up all without complaint. A few coworkers had an issue with me (now realizing this in hindsight.) Repeatedly mentioning autism when a mistake was made only to be harshly criticized, feeling very small and unimportant. I shied away from speaking at all knowing something was ‘off.’

Nevertheless one coworker displayed kindness assisting me with smoothie recipes, how to best and most efficiently make sandwiches what to have on hand and how to become better at what I was doing.

As August came to a close I was told there would be an ‘intervention’ the following day. I was stunned and internally slack-jawed. The following morning I perceived something was awry.

The manager who hired me wasn’t present but the coworker who appreciated me was. Sitting across from her I wanted to crawl out of my skin and gag. She was put in an awkward position and looked very uncomfortable. I was told that I was being fired because I was ‘too slow’ in preparing food and smoothies. My stomach sank, I sat numbly and asked for further clarification to which I didn’t receive.

Gathering my last paycheck and asking to speak with the manager of whom wasn’t available. I never saw him again, he refused to speak with me and tell me why I was being terminated. No one had an answer for me, just a feeling of ‘don’t let the door slap you on the way out.’

Refusing to explain why I was terminated I ran out to my car with reflexive sobs splitting my chest in half. From that point forward I decided disclosing autism wasn’t in my best interests.

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Yeshua and Suicide

The passing of Jarrid Wilson three days ago stings like hell. What stings even more are the lies being told by those in authority with certainty. As many of you are aware, I have depression, autism, angisity and self harm. I’m not the same woman I was 9 years ago after I graduated from Mercy Multiplied in May of 2013.


I do know this much, the enemy’s biggest cons and lies start in the mind, depression/suicide/cutting etc. doesn’t care what background you come from how old you are. It’s hard as hell fighting daily with the Lord by my side, he has been helping me work through memories that I put in the basement of my mind and marked don’t ever open.


The problem with boxes that are never opened is they do open at some point of crisis usually. I’ve been in faith based counseling for the last three months and it has helped tremendously.


Having someone listen to me, having God be the third party in the sessions I am in makes a huge difference.


God has set me free it’s a painful pruning season, and sometimes I hurt so much from the shame of memories from college and the years that I was out of my head it’s hard to look at even with God by my side.


There are days that I wanted a curtain call let’s wrap this up hannah, but God. There is a huge attack on humanity regarding the spirit of violence and suicide. I would say sense 2014 on ward I’ve seen a dramatic increase in the amount of people passing away by their own hands.


This is why we walk by faith and not by sight, for the testing season I was crying out to God in my quiet time with him, closed heavens. He was there, but I didn’t sense him.
Only this past week has it dawned on me the memories I’ve been releasing to God, one at a time, slowly at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm me or do me in. I thank God for revealing that to me. Because now I can see the lies for what they are, lies. The enemy doesn’t fight fair, and it’s a fight like it or not.


We can’t be absentee on the battlefield when Yeshua has called us to make disciples of all men and women, going to the dirty places, the hurt places, and being the feet upon the mountains that bring the Good News of Jesus.


This is ugly, this hurts, it sucks the big one, and the enemy has tried to silence me. I’m not going to shut up about God or about how He has loved on me when I can’t love on myself. He’s pulled my hands back from and away from ending my own life more times then many know.


The good news of Jesus is, He knows, He cares and damn it I’m not going to bow to depression, or suicidal ideation! Just as passionately as I’d give my life for God, that and then some He’s passionate about me living out the pages yet to be filled in the book of my life written by me, read and reread by the Ancient of Days in His courtroom library. (I’m going to be in heavens record keeping law libraries for a long time when I graduate to heaven.)

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The Parable of the Puppy Part 1

Once there was a very loving girl who sold all she had to buy a puppy. Day one was exciting but by the evening Hannah was exhausted. Bella was a lovely puppy and afraid her first few days and nights in a new place that she was not familiar with.

Hannah patiently and positively kept encouraging Bella and kept cleaning up messes armed with more than 600 poopy bags Hannah was prepared to help Bella learn how to poop outside and not in her new home.

For you see when we are God’s Children spiritually He potty trains us, He picks up after our messes and mistakes many of which we wonder if we’ll ever make it from milk to meat, from pooping inside God’s House or by ‘casting all our poops upon Him because He cares for us.’

The Bible deals much with poop in fact when Israel sinned God often compared Israel’s unfaithfulness to poop, like a bad smell burning in His Nostrils. They never were housebroken out of stiffnecked pride. So God gave them over to a harsh and hateful kingdom. In the same way, these growing pains with Bella are only for a season.

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Bella my new puppy dog

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Virtue and Vice

Virtue and vice many shaped sizes. Depression paces round about my head. The corridors that light spaces and caverns tell of once occupied rooms. I am not a haunted house I am one that struggles with former tenants screaming lies until I cannot hear myself think.

My home is occupied by the Holy Spirit and I am a slave girl of Almighty God. He is indeed the Lover of my soul. I must be doing something right for the advancement of the Kingdom of ADONAI. I am praying for the salvation of George Soros. And bless him and the works of his hands.

The powers of darkness quiet clearly hate this, and as such have launched an offensive to my own offensive.

Yeshua said, blessed are you when you pray for those who persecute you, who revile you and who hate you. In a way, Soros does hate the God I serve, but God so loves all of us that any who give their lives unto Him will be saved.

There are degrees of where we will be in heaven. Yeshua said Blessed are those who teach the truth and show others to do likewise for they shall be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. But those who teach error, and show others how to error will be least in the Kingdom of Heaven.

We were not made for hell, but we go on as energy forever so our choice to be with God or not remains in our hands while we draw breath.

The world travails around me and it would be easy to go with that tossed tied.

But even in the darkest corners of my mind as I give those areas to God, He is the Rock Higher than I and to Him night is as the day.

I might struggle and strain, but through this pit of despair, I have my hope in God alone.

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Jane Hamon Prophesy at Mercy Multiplied on Feb. 2, 2013

In truth Hannah, you are someone who knows how to make people laugh, how to break down walls. You are filled with Joy and daughter in truth that is how I’ve called you to be. The Lord says you have this nature about you that just disarms people. The other part of you feels as though it wars against you. For that, it angers you.

And you do not know what to do with that anger. At times you feel this rage inside of you that bubbles up and takes your joy. I want you to know, Says the Lord, I’ve been dealing with that time bomb.

Sometimes you’re even afraid of yourself. But, I’m disarming that time bomb and I am setting you free from a lifetime of anger and a life time of injustice. Says the Lord. That makes you angry and guess what, that makes Me angry as well! You can be angry, but not stay angry.

You felt anger was a wall and shield to you, but guess what? We have been disarming that wall haven’t we?! I’m delivering you from an inner anger and an inner rage at times the parts of yourself that you have hated you have ended up angry at yourself and Me. (God) and those around you.

This causes you to feel disarmed because you wonder how can I be so joyful and so angry at the same time?! I bring the peace that you will not just understand in your mind but one that ‘passes all understanding’ you are not going to have to understand it all to receive it all.

This has been a ‘sticking point’ for you. But why? (3x’s) I’m going to turn your question marks into exclamation points! You have a teaching gift and the importation of knowledge and the education process I’m restoring to you the years that were ‘eaten up’ by the enemy’s devastation in your schooling years. I’m restoring your love of learning, books because I have put the heart of a teacher in you.

You will teach in classrooms and also in living-rooms. You will not be afraid to sit around couches with people. As you share and impart you will tear down walls in other people’s lives.

You will be taken into churches through they were not always your ‘friend’ for a little while, I will bring people into your life that will make a way for you. Out of the place I’ve been teaching you, I will give you importation to share My Word and principles. You will have keys in your hands that will unlock others from the prisons they’ve been in.

I will restore you so that you can be a restorer, I will heal you so that you can be a healer, and I will teach you so that you can be a teacher. Everything I do for you I will do through you.

I’m breaking you out of the place of shame that the enemy has tried to keep you in. First of all, it hasn’t worked! I will cause you to feel good about yourself to feel good in your own skin. You’re getting a sassy new haircut, along with a sassy attitude. This is an external transformation of an internal transformation.

You will hold your head high and walk into a room whereas before you hoped no one would see you. Now you will walk in and ‘say’ see me, I have something to say.

You will have a ‘bad’ good attitude that will open people’s hearts. Don’t worry daughter too much about what your family thinks your transformation ‘should’ look like, but what I think it should be. (Says the Lord)

I don’t in any way want you to feel stunted by that. You will emerge like a rose, where all you’ve seen are the thorns. There is a rose attached at the end of them.

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