blog post, Blog Posts, Choose you this day, Convicting, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem

Paper Pants

It’s OK to have black pants with a red tie,
It’s OK to crawl and scream out, ADONAI!

It’s OK to be held and yell out God’s Name.
It’s OK because He’s felt the same.

He’s been betrayed, bruised and cast aside.
At His lowest He was thrice denied.

He was counted among the poor, lost and broken.
As He hung on the Cross, His Life our Token.

To the one criminal who cursed God and died,
And the other who was with Him in Paradise.

Ages have passed and nothing’s changed,
Some still choose to curse His Name.

But sister nightbirde whispered in my ear,
“God’s on the bathroom floor, and to the broken draws near.”

In memory of nightbirde and inspired by my recent 72 hour hospital stay.

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autism, blog post, Blog Posts, female with autism, personal art, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem, Prose, Unapologetic

Thanks Anyway, Circler Reasoning

Muzzled tight upon my face, replaced with known “common grace.”

Tossing aside your empty beer, not as “compassionate” as you appear.

Used excuses “got through to you.”

Thanks anyway, I’ll be in a zombie zoom room.

See something, say something? “Facts checked” or is it fat checks?

Do you even know the difference between, “civil city riots”, “mostly peaceful”?

King’s echoed “content of character”, shat upon.

Self-masturbatory, “masters degree”, in the art of flies;

Flung in faces of rotting dry eyes.

Setting sun over a broken mirror.

Distributing disabled water, Molotov lit hate;

A reflection of abomination fate.

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bible, blog post, Blog Posts, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts

How Long Oh Lord

There isn’t going back to normal. We are not in the middle of anything remotely normal. Our choices are drying up, from drought in the west to the crops that fail in the bread basket of America. Do people apply their hearts to knowledge? Do they seek the ways of the Lord? Who is the accuser of the brethren?

Satan.

Look at anything through the eyes of God, behold He is the Lord my God nothing is too hard for Him, He is the Lord Who dose not change, He knows the end from the beginning. No evil will befall me nether shall any plague come near my dwelling. I make the Most High my Dwelling Place.

My Depression has been just giving me hell, and yet, and yet. God, and yet God. Lord you know the longings of my heart and nothing is too hard for You.

I take the shield of faith and I quench every fiery dart that the wicked one brings against me. Ephesians 6:16

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I Couldn’t Find Him

I dreamt last night of Gregory.

I was searching for him for I had questions.

But I couldn’t find him.

I called to him but he didn’t answer because he was gone.

I called to him but he was silent and I missed him.

I missed the strength of his presence,

the reliability of his knowledge,

the solidity of his person,

the steadiness of his gaze,

and the sound of his voice.

I called again, and slowly, in his own time, in his own way, far away, invisible, he answered.

Yes, Greg said. What is it? 

His voice answered.

Where have you gone? I asked. I need you.

Are you sure? He answered.

Yes, I said. I have questions for you. 

Greg you, the hope and the despair, 

the right and the wrong,

the light and the dark, 

the question and the answer. 

What do I do?

You carry on, Greg said.

How? 

You keep asking the questions. 

But, what is the answer? I asked.

I’ve shown you the answer:

The hope, the despair, the right, the wrong, the light, and the dark. 

All of it. The answer is My Love. 

In Memory of: Greggory

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bible, blog post, Blog Posts, Christian Living, Convicting

How Can We?

How is it that we as a “civilized society” can have humane no kill shelters for animals and yet by the same token not protect our own young from the kill shelters of abortion clinics?

How does this say we are “progressing” as “humans united” “build back better” and yet we’re very much divided.

I don’t care what color, class, creed or socio economic background that someone comes from.

What happened to the individual taking responsibility for their actions?

Instead it’s pass go do not collect collect $200, avoid jail time, a slap on the wrist and nothing happens and yet the underlined hemorrhaging continues while the zombie “you don’t have to take responsibility stimulus checks” transfusions keep the war machine limping along.

I choose to see people by the contents of their character not the color of their skin, their political or religious affiliation or their sexuality.

I hold myself to these standards as well.

And I sure as heck am an advocate for life! I’m pro-human! I’m anti-human trafficking I’m anti-Adrenochrome drinking, mad cow diseased, drunken on power, political whores.

Because in reality, as an old time Dixiecrat from the 1950s once said when asked what candidate he should vote for, a reply of “Well hell son, it don’t matter if it’s Republican or Democrat we own them all.”

I will not bow down to Antifa, Black Lives Matter, KKK, proud boys or any hate infested, deplorable organization.

I’m also going to call a spade a spade and using any tragedy for the political gain to justify the means of a party gaining advantage is disgusting and despicable.

Have you ever asked yourself the question, why is it when a liberal’s in office there are alway multiple mass shootings or military tragedies? (Hello, Columbine and Black Hawk down)

Things have happened under Republican presidents as well.

There are people that actually believe to this day, only two towers fell!

I witnessed the last two of them fall in live action when I was in high school.

I remember thinking why the hell is this third building falling?

Many to this day that believe Timothy McVeigh was the one responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing, when in fact he was the CIA’s fall man. “Never let a good crisis go to waste”

A convenient out for a 10 year ban on assault rifles which was ready to go before hand and signed into law by then President Clinton. “We must pass this bill first, before we can know what’s in it.”

Why have we not learned from history? Why do we keep bleeding? Why are there nauseating theatrics on both sides of the aisle?

Where the hell are the men and women with the spines to do something?

Where are the people that are “by the people and for the people” that they “represent?”

How does this say we are “progressing” as “humans united” “build back better” and yet we’re very much divided.

I don’t care what color, class, creed or socio economic background that someone comes from.

What happened to the individual taking responsibility for their actions?

Instead it’s pass go do not collect collect $200, avoid jail time, a slap on the wrist and nothing happens and yet the underlined hemorrhaging continues while the zombie “you don’t have to take responsibility stimulus checks” transfusions keep the war machine limping along.

I choose to see people by the content of their character not the color of their skin, their political or religious affiliation or their sexuality.

I hold myself to these standards as well.

And I sure as hell am an advocate for life! I’m pro-human! I’m anti-human trafficking I’m anti-Adrenochrome drinking, mad cow diseased, drunken on power, political whores.

Because in reality as an old time Dixiecrat from the 1950s once said when asked what candidate he should vote for a reply of “Well hell son, it don’t matter if it’s Republican or Democrat we own them all.”

I will not bow down to Antifa, Black Lives Matter, KKK proud boys or any deplorable organization.

I’m also going to call a spade a spade and using any tragedy for the political gain to justify the means of a party gaining advantage is disgusting and despicable.

Have you ever asked yourself the question why is it when a liberal’s in office there are alway multiple mass shootings and military tragedies?(Hello, Columbine and black hawk down)

Things have happened under Republican presidents as well.

There are people that actually believe to this day, only two towers fell!

I witnessed the last two of them fall in live action when I was in high school.

I remember thinking why the hell is this third building falling?

Many to this day that believe Timothy McVeigh was the one responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing, when in fact he was the CIA’s fall man. “Never waste a good tragedy”

A convenient out for a 10 year ban on assault rifles which was ready to go before hand and signed into law by then President Clinton. “We must pass this bill first, before we can know what’s in it.”

Why have we not learned from history? Why do we keep bleeding? Why are there nauseating theatrics on both sides of the aisle?

Where the hell are the men and women with the spines to do something?

Where are the people that are “by the people and for the people” that they “represent?”

No longer are we a State of United Americans.

We are a banana republic, a lawless society that once was and we have passed our sins along to future generations; that is if there are any future generations to be had.

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Tumbling Down Thunder Road

Being a female with autism seemingly ‘having it all together’ but truthfully a lifetime of social crisis mode.

I was interviewed for tropical smoothie in the summer of 2008. The interview was very informal, I recall arriving ten minutes beforehand and requesting to talk with the manager. Clawing through my skin I aced the interview.

After being hired, explaining my autism to the tune of ‘and how does this affect what you are doing?’ Working diligently efficiently and as accurately as possible. Coming to work I’d wipe down the back kitchen preparation areas and made sure everything needed was accessible.

Going the extra mile not understanding the concept of ‘workplace culture’ reasoning business was simply about coming in, executing required tasks, fulfilling orders, producing smoothies, etc.

Often asked to clean bathrooms, I’d stay after my shift to mop floors, wipe down tables, stack chairs and lock up all without complaint. A few coworkers had an issue with me (now realizing this in hindsight.) Repeatedly mentioning autism when a mistake was made only to be harshly criticized, feeling very small and unimportant. I shied away from speaking at all knowing something was ‘off.’

Nevertheless one coworker displayed kindness assisting me with smoothie recipes, how to best and most efficiently make sandwiches what to have on hand and how to become better at what I was doing.

As August came to a close I was told there would be an ‘intervention’ the following day. I was stunned and internally slack-jawed. The following morning I perceived something was awry.

The manager who hired me wasn’t present but the coworker who appreciated me was. Sitting across from her I wanted to crawl out of my skin and gag. She was put in an awkward position and looked very uncomfortable. I was told that I was being fired because I was ‘too slow’ in preparing food and smoothies. My stomach sank, I sat numbly and asked for further clarification to which I didn’t receive.

Gathering my last paycheck and asking to speak with the manager of whom wasn’t available. I never saw him again, he refused to speak with me and tell me why I was being terminated. No one had an answer for me, just a feeling of ‘don’t let the door slap you on the way out.’

Refusing to explain why I was terminated I ran out to my car with reflexive sobs splitting my chest in half. From that point forward I decided disclosing autism wasn’t in my best interests.

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Are You as committed to spreading love?, bible, blog post, Blog Posts, Christian Living, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts

Yeshua and Suicide

The passing of Jarrid Wilson three days ago stings like hell. What stings even more are the lies being told by those in authority with certainty. As many of you are aware, I have depression, autism, angisity and self harm. I’m not the same woman I was 9 years ago after I graduated from Mercy Multiplied in May of 2013.


I do know this much, the enemy’s biggest cons and lies start in the mind, depression/suicide/cutting etc. doesn’t care what background you come from how old you are. It’s hard as hell fighting daily with the Lord by my side, he has been helping me work through memories that I put in the basement of my mind and marked don’t ever open.


The problem with boxes that are never opened is they do open at some point of crisis usually. I’ve been in faith based counseling for the last three months and it has helped tremendously.


Having someone listen to me, having God be the third party in the sessions I am in makes a huge difference.


God has set me free it’s a painful pruning season, and sometimes I hurt so much from the shame of memories from college and the years that I was out of my head it’s hard to look at even with God by my side.


There are days that I wanted a curtain call let’s wrap this up hannah, but God. There is a huge attack on humanity regarding the spirit of violence and suicide. I would say sense 2014 on ward I’ve seen a dramatic increase in the amount of people passing away by their own hands.


This is why we walk by faith and not by sight, for the testing season I was crying out to God in my quiet time with him, closed heavens. He was there, but I didn’t sense him.
Only this past week has it dawned on me the memories I’ve been releasing to God, one at a time, slowly at a pace that doesn’t overwhelm me or do me in. I thank God for revealing that to me. Because now I can see the lies for what they are, lies. The enemy doesn’t fight fair, and it’s a fight like it or not.


We can’t be absentee on the battlefield when Yeshua has called us to make disciples of all men and women, going to the dirty places, the hurt places, and being the feet upon the mountains that bring the Good News of Jesus.


This is ugly, this hurts, it sucks the big one, and the enemy has tried to silence me. I’m not going to shut up about God or about how He has loved on me when I can’t love on myself. He’s pulled my hands back from and away from ending my own life more times then many know.


The good news of Jesus is, He knows, He cares and damn it I’m not going to bow to depression, or suicidal ideation! Just as passionately as I’d give my life for God, that and then some He’s passionate about me living out the pages yet to be filled in the book of my life written by me, read and reread by the Ancient of Days in His courtroom library. (I’m going to be in heavens record keeping law libraries for a long time when I graduate to heaven.)

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The Why behind the What

I will say I tried 3 times in my 20’s to cut myself to death; the last time I almost was gone, lost a lot of blood.

I’ve been Self Harm free for five years in counting thanks to Yeshua and Mercy Multiplied.

I went to do business with God, and it sucked but I still ‘showed up’ and daily we all have the ability to show up in life.

My depression emerged after my gastric sleeve and antidepressant malabsorption I’ve only recently 8 months out, had some sense of equilibrium.

At the core honestly, why I don’t off myself now, I do not want to answer from My Lord, ‘Hannah, I had so much for you, why darling?’

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Virtue and Vice

Virtue and vice many shaped sizes. Depression paces round about my head. The corridors that light spaces and caverns tell of once occupied rooms. I am not a haunted house I am one that struggles with former tenants screaming lies until I cannot hear myself think.

My home is occupied by the Holy Spirit and I am a slave girl of Almighty God. He is indeed the Lover of my soul. I must be doing something right for the advancement of the Kingdom of ADONAI. I am praying for the salvation of George Soros. And bless him and the works of his hands.

The powers of darkness quiet clearly hate this, and as such have launched an offensive to my own offensive.

Yeshua said, blessed are you when you pray for those who persecute you, who revile you and who hate you. In a way, Soros does hate the God I serve, but God so loves all of us that any who give their lives unto Him will be saved.

There are degrees of where we will be in heaven. Yeshua said Blessed are those who teach the truth and show others to do likewise for they shall be called great in the Kingdom of Heaven. But those who teach error, and show others how to error will be least in the Kingdom of Heaven.

We were not made for hell, but we go on as energy forever so our choice to be with God or not remains in our hands while we draw breath.

The world travails around me and it would be easy to go with that tossed tied.

But even in the darkest corners of my mind as I give those areas to God, He is the Rock Higher than I and to Him night is as the day.

I might struggle and strain, but through this pit of despair, I have my hope in God alone.

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