blog post, Blog Posts, Choose you this day, Convicting, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, Poem

Paper Pants

It’s OK to have black pants with a red tie,
It’s OK to crawl and scream out, ADONAI!

It’s OK to be held and yell out God’s Name.
It’s OK because He’s felt the same.

He’s been betrayed, bruised and cast aside.
At His lowest He was thrice denied.

He was counted among the poor, lost and broken.
As He hung on the Cross, His Life our Token.

To the one criminal who cursed God and died,
And the other who was with Him in Paradise.

Ages have passed and nothing’s changed,
Some still choose to curse His Name.

But sister nightbirde whispered in my ear,
“God’s on the bathroom floor, and to the broken draws near.”

In memory of nightbirde and inspired by my recent 72 hour hospital stay.

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Blog Posts, honest, Personal Post, Personal Thoughts, war

Digital Numbers

It’s funny the small things that I remember…The digital numbers on the cross-training machine at the gym as the preset minutes tick by actually seem faster than a clock face…that is unless I’m dying my hair red again, then any time is slow

I know the calories that are burned are grossly off, but it’s good to work up a sweat and get out energy…

Speaking of digital numbers, since joining weight watchers, I’ve lost some inches, the scale did drop at first from 260s to now mid 250s but I’ve been bouncing back and forth between 250 and 255 for the last two months…

The reason is simple, I struggle with night eating, be it two apples too many or one carb that isn’t so great…it adds up…and I do log it into my points for the day, but the problem is clear…

I’ve decided to go through with gastric sleeve surgery, I’m hoping by the time I am ready for the actual surgery I’ll have at least 20 pounds off my frame from the last time I was at the weight loss clinic this past summer…

It’ll prove to myself, and to the staff there that I am committed to truly losing the weight…

There are some major hurdles: 

  1. I will have to stop taking my birth control for one month due to bleeding and healing during surgery, I’ve been taking my low dose birth control sense I was 26 years of age under a doctor’s supervision for PCOS management. (which means the mother of all cramps, periods, etc.)
  2. All my medications will need to be crushed and swallowed, or made into liquid form (I can get over this in time, ick factor aside I’ll get over it.)
  3. The healing of my new banana shaped stomach (oh boy), hopefully shall not be too awful…I will go back onto my birth control once again after surgery because again PCOS but on that note, weight loss should cure the PCOS in itself, so in time I won’t need the consistent dose of birth control as I lose weight…
  4. The water and food hurdle this one is actually major, a shot glass of water an hour…the food as well at first is going to be a challenge as far as going slowly (I do now but it’ll be really slow) but it cannot be longer than 30 minutes (yea it’s something to do with gastric dumping)
  5. My mindset is 200 percent ready to tackle each thing as it comes, and I’ve got ideas for how to keep myself busy…not obsessing over the weight loss, food bite sizes, one ounce of water an hour, not getting dehydrated, only taking a bite at a time but within 30 minutes etc. yea, it’s a long rear laundry list of things to commit to right off the bat, so I will be blogging more often and sharing my journey as this has proved to be a great outlet…
  6. Being kind to myself, at the end of the day once the new stomach is healed the food is tolerated, I’m able to start exercising again gradually, and all else this will be worth it…I’ve not been out of the 200 pound range for about nine years now, and as stated above now is the time to act, I’m in a healthier saner mindset then I was 3 years ago I process things better and am more self aware, and am teachable (learning things that I need to fix work-on etc. without taking it as a personal affront)

  Aside from the above, this is very doable, difficult yes, but doable…I am tired of being tired when I workout, no energy, and shooting myself in the foot with food and or lack of it…

I’m committed to health overall, and I don’t want to go overboard with the whole ‘OK now I’m at 170 something I could go lower’  at my 5’8.5″ medium sized frame 170 is overweight, but considering my past bout with borderline anorexia as a teenager I’m not risking it…

and as you’ve guessed I’ll be blogging about staying on track…

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bible, Blog Posts, Christian Living, Convicting, Never Again is Now, Personal Thoughts

Leaves that Fall

Be it towers that collapse truth that is told in love perhaps this is judgment to get our attention? Remember when people were ridiculed for saying such after a great tragedy, and it was, it was awful, sick and twisted…

And yet when there seemed to be a turning to God (remember that?) it didn’t last but at best one month, and then it was business as usual

better yet a new tower was to be built-in the place of the rubble in the name of ‘freedom’ but truly it was in the name of defiance and a stiff neck

Why in the world did ‘freedom tower’ take so dang long to build?

(take two guesses) no one could make up their minds, it took dang near seven years…

Duh One: Shemitah seventh Biblical year of release anyone?

Duh Two: We are (myself included lord am I ever full of this sometimes and it never goes well for me when I am) pride, not-self respecting pride,

but of the “Hey God screw you, I’m going to do this my way and build something to willingly forget the judgment You sent” verity…

Essentially a towered middle finger to God…

Just saying repentance is a good idea, (even for myself as I am being more sensitive to God’s leanings) turning to God with your all, all of who you are…

a want to get close to the Great ‘I AM’ who was an is and is to come…

His greatest heart cry is to get to know people of their own free will to choose to get to know Him He died and rose again to make a way for that to be possible…

He is beyond all my expectations and words I string together…and I don’t want it any other way…

If anyone ‘gets’ not being ‘gotten’ if that makes sense, He does…

His perfect Love casts out (in the Hebrew it says like chuck violently casts away) all traces of fear when you mean it with Him,

He will show up, and meet you wherever you are at…

I know this because I’ve walked through it myself, as have many others…

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bible, Blog Posts, Christian Living, Convicting, It Is Well, Never Again is Now, Personal Thoughts

People Get Ready

Well, Elul the 29th 5775 or as most of us know it to be September 13th 2015 at sundown, prepare in the best way you can, by getting to know, love, and lean on Adonai and his Son Yeshua.

Period.

Best ‘fall out’ plan, because when things hit the fan and I’m not saying they will on that date but I am saying the ripple effect of that date (we don’t know when or how long it might be) and that’s actually a good thing

Because it separates those that are serious about God, his love, showing it in the ‘every-day’ and just saying ‘hay man? can I pray for you?’ I’ve never had someone say anything worse then ‘pray for me would you?’

The desperation level is high, people know something is going on they just do not know what…

It’s simple if you have your nose to the ground and your head in the Heart of God…

He’s gathering to Himself those that are his kids, bringing in new kids through us, and those that say they are his kids but are afraid to live it out, or just flat out don’t are falling away…

It’s that way for a reason, remember when Jesus said, “in this world you will have trials, but be of good cheer I have overcome the world”

Or before Yeshua was ready to be handed over, betrayed, beaten and killed for us, he was speaking to his disables regarding when they were sent out; not only them but 70 others who followed but later fell away (as a background to the quote from Luke 22:35-38 KJV)

And he said unto them, When I sent you without purse, and scrip, and shoes, lacked ye any thing? And they said, Nothing. (because he was on the earth physically and had not yet set the Holy Spirit) 

Then said he unto them, But now, he that hath a purse, let him take it, and likewise his scrip: and he that hath no sword, let him sell his garment, and buy one. (to defend themselves.)

For I say unto you, that this that is written must yet be accomplished in me, And he was reckoned among the transgressors: for the things concerning me have an end.

And they said, Lord, behold, here are two swords. And he said unto them, It is enough.

It’s also stated in the Bible to be as ‘gentle as a dove but as wise or (full of God’s understanding) as a snake…

To be aware of the season in which you are in, to get ready for the final harvest that is coming as farmers call it ‘bumper crop’ meaning it’s going to be unlike anything we have ever seen and it’s going to be awesome sauce!

Yea, we will be marginalized, ridiculed, persecuted and some called to suffer physically financially, etc. some killed for the faith we hold onto…

Pastors are already being arrested for ‘hate speech’ just google it don’t take my typed words for it.

It really is sickening but at the same time sobering, and funny enough just emboldens myself as a believer in God and His Love all the more…

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Blog Posts, Personal Thoughts

Addressing What is now ‘Normal’

Sadly, the high court has basically spit in the face of God by redefining what marriage is…

Let me be clear, I have had friends in the past whom were homosexual, but by their choice (my heart breaks even as I type this) they cut off communication with me, not the other way around…

First and foremost, I am for the laws and governesses of God which last I checked was Love…

which is: long-suffering, kind, not full of envy, spite, malice, not seeking it’s own, rejoicing in the truth, standing for what is right, hating injustice and loving peace (also known in Hebrew as the absence of war) Hoping all things believing all things, not quitting when things become hard…loving others as I love myself, and loving God with all my heart soul mind and strength of my own choice…

This also goes to say that we all struggle with things, (myself included) I used to cut myself up and now through the help of my faith and my family (and a very long struggle for freedom from this issue) am now free from it and choose to stay that way…

We can choose to be defined by any issue we might struggle with or we can overcome it and step into freedom…

I have the scars to prove it, it’s worth fighting to become whole in any issue someone has…not all choose to become free from their issues…

I just highly do not approve of an issue being forced to be recognized as the norm when it’s not…

It’d be like saying, “oh lets cut our arms up it’s normal”, or “lets do drugs it’s normal” “watching porn is normal” (no, it’s not I used to struggle with that and am free of this as well)

Anything that is destructive isn’t normal

they are harmful and in the end hurt the person and those they love the most…right is wrong and wrong is right

No thank you…

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bible, Blog Posts, Christian Living, It Is Well, Personal Thoughts

Praise the Lord!

As I read through the Bible things that were going on in the old testament were as things are now, nothing is new under the sun we live…

The in the days of old people caused their children to pass through the fire in the name of a god they had cast with their hands…God time and again turned His back, was grieved in his Spirit and few kings of Israel followed God with the entire intent and purpose of their hearts…

isn’t that what God is after? The hearts of men? Yes it is. From Genesis to Revelation God’s Heart longs to be in communion with man, it is God who’s been faithful throughout  generations. It is us mankind who has been the exact opposite. Nothing is new under the sun…

Now children are passed through the fire in the name of what is convent. The number shames this writer as those whom were writers of old. They wept, as I with tears and longing for others to see for those scales to be lifted from the eyes of just some…

God isn’t one who forces, Yeshua isn’t one who forces belief in His name…In free will we choose destruction and decay or blessing and life…Read Deuteronomy, rather take the time to get to know the Heart of the Living ‘I AM’ choose to get to know Him, choose peace, choose to speak out for those whom are down trodden, choose to use your breath that is given by God to praise Him!

He so loved us that the very life breath He gave us while we were sinning (all sins all of them) with the mouth He formed with us in mind to curse Him…Yet the Good News is He died for us while we did this before we even knew any better!

This is why God’s praise will always be on my lips! Because He alone has saved me from much, from so much…From myself to start, from the spirit of false religion, from pride, which is why I die daily meaning saying “LORD I can’t do anything this day, you are the life-giver, the breath giver may I praise you in the everyday tasks I do and may your presence rest on my solders not for my sake, but for the sake of others, that it would point to You.”

There are mornings all I can even say is ‘Jesus, Help’ and that’s OK…the point is intent of heart, intent of thoughts intentional praise intentional walking out the life He’s given that is new in Him…

My hope and prayer is this reaches just one to see how good He is…

Let everything that has His life-breath praise the Lord! 

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Blog Posts, Christian Living, Mercy Ministries

Mercy

New Mercy Ministries Application Portal  makes applying a whole lot easier!

No issue is too big for a Loving God! I know first hand because when I was ready and willing to receive help the healing of God permeated my being, and it still is two years later!

Hannah – 2013 Graduate

As a kid, I felt very misunderstood and misplaced. I befriended others who were considered social outcasts. Middle school and high school years were difficult, and I began to struggle with borderline anorexia. When I was 17, I witnessed a shooting while on a mission trip, which was traumatic, but I think I just tried to block it out and go on with life. During my freshman year of college, I started to self-harm. During my sophomore year, I was dismissed by the university because of the way I was hurting my body through cutting and abusing diet pills. When I returned home, I was very bitter and I struggled with binge eating and cutting worse than ever. At age 21, I attempted to take my life. I was confused and honestly just lost myself. Thankfully, I didn’t die. God still had plans for me.

I found out about Mercy through my grandmother who had recommended I read “Echoes of Mercy.” I decided to apply because I had had enough of the struggle I had been facing and wanted freedom.
While at Mercy, I was set free from self-harm by God, and have learned I am uniquely His. I also learned to take my thoughts captive and much more.

After Mercy, I plan to returning home to live with my parents and get involved in local outreach. I look forward to going to church and volunteering there. I would really love to use my musical gifts to glorify God. I also want to attend school to go into IT Security.

No words can describe how thankful I am for all the staff has done. They have shown me love and kindness and were so willing to come alongside me to help me through this period of my life.

Link

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Blog Posts, Personal Thoughts, Poem

In Him

Have you heard the heart of common man?
In lifted song of a band?

Tear Stained and milking sores,
Crowds that cheer only for more.

Broken hearts become top hits,
As if the blows last night were writ.

Rear-view back seat fame,
Shooting star dying flame.

Glorified the ones gone young,
“such a shame” mummer some.

Yet listen closer and you’ll know,
Reap in sorrow, tread in snow.

God’s heart beats for man,
In Him songs find no end.

In His Story there is plight,
But also wings and to blind sight.

In Him hearts beat as one,
Mother, Father, Sister, Son.

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Blog Posts, Christian Living, It Is Well, Personal Thoughts

His Love Flows (Don’t Fear)

In the days that we find ourselves in it’s easy to fall victim to fear, this can (I speak for myself as well) become an idol…anything that get’s in the way of God doing His thing hinders Him and takes His place…becomes an idol and needs prompt removal…

I repent of the worry, cling to the Lord, and move on…

We are sons and daughters of God who has liberated us from the slavery of fear…perfect love ‘violently throws away’ or casts out fear…

God splits seas figuratively and physically to rescue us and see that we are His children. He says wait and see, the victory is yours…I will show you the victory if you only wait on Me (God.)

The thousands upon thousands being killed in God’s name across the globe are constantly on my heart…I find myself crying quiet a bit, but then God says ‘Hannah I have them in my presence now, do not fear’ command not up for argument or questioning…

God once told me ‘Hannah you are not going to need to understand the Peace I give to receive all the Peace I give’ that Peace of His that passes our limited understanding…This I believe you could insert your own name in and hear God say ‘spend time with Me’ for those that are willing, for those that are called, and many are called but few is the number that heed His call and obey His commends…

He sees us, loves us beyond all imagining and wants us to if need be fall into His arms, His nail scared arms stretched out and still reach out for all mankind to come to Him to taste and see that He is indeed Good…

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