blog post, Blog Posts, sucks, Tired

I’m so tired most of the time

Recent events of my grandmother succumbing to age-related illness and her just plain running herself into the ground has left me reeling. Were it not for my faith, kickboxing and talk therapy I’d go stark mad.

She has been the second mom of sorts in my life, walked through much that I struggled through in my teen years into my adulthood.

I love her, it’s hard to see your grandmother struggle to get out of a bathtub for 18 minutes while you try to hoist her up as she slides around.

I’ve helped bathe people before, that’s not the issue, it’s the instance on her part to see myself or those that honestly do want to help her as ‘out to get’ her if that makes sense.

She’s of the WW2 generation, stubborn as a mule and has cared for others her entire adult life.

She had a health breakdown over Easter weekend and was admitted to the ICU.

On that same weekend, her washer flooded her entire downstairs to her complex unit. This was the 2nd time it’s flooded the downstairs since Oct. of 2016. Needless to say mold in the carpet, walls and wood have been wreaking havoc on her breathing and no amount of air filters will help that because it’s in the padding of the carpet.

She has nick knacks from 25 years of living in her complex and never really ‘cleans out’ anything just moves junk around, forgets about it, and pays for storage units that house more of her junk.

I love her, she was with me when I was born, she was with me when I attempted to kill myself in 2005 when I had my bouts with borderline anorexia as a teenager and the 10 years that I abused my body via cutting.

I’m now 4 years healed thank God, and it’s a patience related thing. But, it’s so damn hard. Now instead of tears, it’s ugly sobbing for longer than needed. I suppose I do need the good cry of 3 hours.

I shan’t post this on Facebook as it’d upset her. Rant over.

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Personal Play List

The first track is a mix of a recent Mercy Multiplied podcast description of Self Harm, with a fade out to a cover of Elliott Smith’s ‘See You Later.’ The Second track is Bear’s Den ‘Stubborn Beast.’

Third track is Elliott Smith’s ‘Between the Bars’ Orchestral. The fourth track is a live recording of Daughter’s ‘Smother.’  Fifth track is a cover of Tori Amos ‘Concertina’ by myself on the guitar.

Track six is Elliott Smith’s lesser known song ‘Melodic Noise.’

The seventh track is Bethel Music’s instrumental of ‘Seas of Crimson.’

The eighth and final track is Amanda Cook’s ‘The Voyage’ to close out the entire musical idea of this personal play list.

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Personal Thoughts

oldpicture

I come to understand time in a sense as Emily Dickinson would have.

Dawning upon this realization, as old and yet new every sunrise.

I taste social waves more than ever.

I’m on the bandwidth of autism’s radio station.

I’m thirty years and two steps behind the nightfall.

The arising of originality.

You cannot look back to the plow of yesterday;

For heaven is ever onward, ever head-over-heels.

There isn’t anything offered by the days gone by.

For in a backbone of glass, there is a second glance;

And not being a suitable Ambassador of God.

-Endlessness-

It isn’t limitless sting…but the new domain I stomachache for.

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